where are you now?
you said you would be here
i'm looking for you now...
but you're nowhere near
i made some stupid mistakes
that probably pushed you away
they say that if you love something to let it go,
if it's meant to be, it'll come back.
well, i'm waiting for you
inscribed on my wall reads "i love you"
below it, "forever"
above it all hangs a bow
the one that you wore to the show
the show that sealed the deal
on everything that we felt was real 
you said you would follow me into the dark
and now i'm here, stuck...
but i have no idea where you are
you know, i think about you all the fucking time
and i wonder if the same thoughts occur in your mind
i wonder if you're really as happy as you pretend to be
does she love you better than me?
do you feel the same connection we once had?
i hope i fill up your mind from time to time
with questions needing answers that you're too stubborn to find
neither one is to blame
just something lost in time...
and that's a fucking shame.

"it'll be okay soon. okay, okaay.
you know im here for you.
i love you jessica
remember that."

 tomorrow, as in wednesday july 12, i will be attending a taking back sunday show with my friend taylor. in preparation for the show, i decided to listen to their CD, "Where You Want to Be", and the first song hit my like  a brick in the face. i was driving down the road and all of a sudden i got these strong, foreign feelings...feelings that i once felt. i recognized these feelings as memories from listening to that CD when I was in high school. every song i would skip to, the feelings would grow stronger and i still knew every song. it's like i was still in high school listening to that CD...and it was just a weird feeling. with all my other music, such as incubus and sherwood, and keep them on repeat so though i have memories with the music, it doesn't come at me like a pop up storm. i haven't listened to taking back sunday since high school...which feels ages ago...so turning it on felt like opening a can of worms.

the same thing happened moments ago. i was cleaning out my CD rack, and decided to start at the bottom (i have a thing with not going in normal order). the first CD i picked up was Waking Ashland. Picking up that CD felt like I was a kid who just found their lost toy, their favorite lost toy. i had completely forgotten about the CD, their music, and the band as a whole. i put it in and the same feelings hit me again. i'm in my body looking through my 16 year old eyes. i remember discovering them because they were opening up with Sherwood, going to play the Muse with them the weekend of my birthday. i downloaded "sing me to sleep" and "shades of grey" at first, and fell in love with both of them, favoring "sing  me to sleep" most. the simplistic piano and its crescendo towards the end of the song...i remember thinking that was the most amazing thing ever. i hadn't heard anything like it before. then i downloaded "rumors" and it completed me. at the time i was growing closer in my friendship which was developing into a romantic relationship with charlie, and this was our song. i remember talking to michael during this time as well but not really taking it too much into consideration. i remember going to the show and how excited charlie and i got...i remember jensen and i creating a dance to the song, because i got her into them and she loved this song (kept it on repeat). "Rumors" was the first song that ever really epitomized "love" in my eyes. I hadn't heard any of Mae's "The Everglow" yet, but didn't need to when I had Waking Ashland. that one song especially just brings back so much...

www.youtube.com/watch

i want to feel this.


 

 
when the words "you're going to be a sister" were spoken to me, there couldn't have been a happier 7 year old in the world. up until that point, i was an only child. a lonely only child. everyone around me seemed to have a sibling, and because i moved around so much the only thing constant in my life was my mother and grandparents. i just wanted someone else to share the confusion with. and a permanent play buddy too.
when my younger sister was born, at first it was awesome. then, my hatred for her started bubbling. why was she getting all the attention? not even that, but why can she throw a phone at my face, hit me straight in the honker, and get a pat on the back?! for the longest time it just seemed like every excuse in the book was under hand and little miss kylie noelle could do whatever she wanted. the hatred started simmering down unnoticeably and one day i woke up...
she was wearing my clothes, we were connecting on the conversation A Fine Frenzy, and i was telling her my boy problems to relate to her about her boy problems. before i knew it, the sister i once wanted, received, hated, turned into the one i was looking out for. the relationship i held with my sister was developing more depth and i was feeling emotions i had not felt before. all of a sudden my sister, who always looked up to me, was holding me now more than ever under a microscope because at this time in her life, she's entering her development stages. she's trying to figure herself out, the one that "thinks" they knew who they are, and as she's trying to make sense of everything, she's looking at me. 

"what does dating mean?"

"why do you date so many guys all the time? sometimes at the same time?"

"so are yall going to like kiss? since you're going to a party?"

i'm having to explain a 20-something-lifestyle to a mere teenager who can't even comprehend the middle school drama that surrounds her. she speaks of a boy she holds high on her "like list" and how scared she is that he'll fall back into his sister's footsteps now that she's back into the family frame and the book of life hits me dead in my face, right on the side of my face. for the rest of my life, i will always have someone behind me with a pen and pad of paper, kind of like a college nurse following their doctor. this someone is taking note of every left and right turn i make on my road, and where i brake and speed up. it's collecting these notes for it's own path, and no matter how far it's path strays away from mine, we'll always be connected. this person is my sister.

i've always known she looks up to me, even though her pride's too big to ever tell me. but to hear her verbally say how vulnerable her friend is as the younger sibling, reassures me she's no different. i make lots and lots and lots of mistakes, but if i can do anything in this world well, it would be to be the best role model i can be for her.

photo credit: http://www.deviantart.com/#/d3h9eqg

 i have this set image in my head of my ideal partner and my ideal location. i have a set list of qualities and possibilities i would like my partner to have. these visions are so strong, sometimes i feel like it's what gets in the way of what's passed me by. when i'm alone at night, and even during the day, i often think about my life and the place i'm at in it, and i don't feel like i've accomplished much. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever meet my prince charming. will i ever have another soul mate? and if i do meet this guy...how will i know it's him? will i get married before my grandparents time has come? will i EVER graduate college? am i even doing the right thing?

all these thoughts cloud up my head, and often my mind what pours down like rain are the missed opportunities. i used to think about josh a lot... and how badly i screwed up. looking back on it, i can't believe i'd ever put someone like that in that position. i think of other people too, just innocent by standers to my colossal of issues coming rolling down the hill, knocking them out like bowling pins. 

i know i can't keep living in the past. i realize things happen for a reason. it's just hard when you feel like you're nowhere in life and you wonder if all your goals in life will ever stop appearing in fog and actually have dimension to them...